I Am a Mother

Tonight it suddenly struck me that I am a Mother. I know, you're probably thinking, "Hello!?!? You have three kids, remember?!" But sometimes, Motherhood just suddenly hits you. And tonight was one of those times.

I was carrying Emily to go use the potty so we had no midnight accidents. And as she nuzzled her head into my shoulder, I felt the weight of her and realized pretty soon she'd be too heavy for me to carry. (My Mom would argue I shouldn't be carrying her right now anyway with my back.). But when your kids get too heavy to carry, then the way you are a Mother changes.

You're no longer the cute young mom with little babies who cry and poop and throw tantrums and need you more than anything in life. You're no longer Mommy or Momma, but just plain Mom.

And that was when it hit me that I was a Mom. A Mom. It just felt heavier and more absolute and more limited by time.

And while my whole entire life I wanted nothing more than to be a Mom, (Seriously. My whole life. Ask my family.) I never visualized it like this. And the part where I'm doing it alone, working full time and bringing my kids home from school and aftercare in the dark, and rushing them to bed just so I can get the rest of the chores done so I can go to bed before 11 . . . That's not the part I dreamt about.

And there are many days I'm tempted to quit consulting and go back to teaching even if it means living in a two bedroom apartment and giving up cable, because I'd rather have the love and the time than the extra bedroom or Disney Channel On Demand.

It actually makes me angry thinking about having to mother this way because it wasn't how I'd planned my life at all.

But as I'm holding Emily close for a late night potty break, tucking Micky and Renton in one more time, and crawling into bed myself, exhausted, at the end of the day, I am happy. Because at the end of the day, everyday, I do have the love and the time. At the end of the day, I am a Mother, and exactly where I want to be.